Bad Animal Poetry: Sad Salamanders

On July 29, 2019September 11, 2020 By samuelgospoIn Bad Animal PoetryLeave a comment

Some can relate to an animal who resembles an athlete after being accused of taking performance enhancing drugs. Sweating nonstop and either looking too calm or on the verge of darting out of a room. However inside each Salamander is melancholia, the true relatable link to humanity. Listen, you (way more enlightened reader) possibly know more than I do about these moist-ies. Also maybe I should have come up with a less irksome name for a group of Salamanders, anyhow enjoy!

Spotted-tail Salamander (Eurycea lucifuga)

Identity theft is wrong Spotted-tail Salamander,
I know a liar when I see one,
All of your credentials are fake,
Your impersonating days are done,
The police will find a hot trail eventually,
So go ahead and run.

Your closet of fake wigs keep growing,
Yet you keep your mustache,
Is it the one authentic part of your identity,
Or is it bought with your crime infested cash,
Seems easy to live alone in a dark apartment,
Especially when you hide all your evidence in trash.

Was it right to steal that salamanders identity,
What was wrong being just a Spotted-tail Salamander,
A life that started too boring became too exciting,
Your name is ridden with slander,
That legacy forever tied to your crimes,
Instead you could have been a bystander.

Green Salamander (Aneides aeneus)

No I will not hear your weed joke,
Green Salamander I have had it up to here,
How many times am I going to tell you this,
Is there weed in your ear,
Perhaps that explains why you don’t hear me,
Your jokes make me want to grab a beer.

Are you going to start making alcohol jokes now,
What have I done to deserve this mess,
You’re like a salamander Seth Rogen,
I’m basically living in Pineapple Express,
Except without the laugh or talent,
I am under such stress.

Do you smoke to forget the war,
It has been twenty years since,
I will smoke this cigar with you just once,
Then go to the sink and rinse,
Remind yourself of the medals you earned,
But not of the assassination of that foreign prince.

Tiger Salamander (Ambystoma tigrinum)

_{By Glenn Bartolotti – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=39112632}

Why did they steal your identity Tiger Salamander,
They say the one who did this was a brother,
What has happened to the salamander community,
Why must all suffer,
To favor the one who shall capitalize on this tragedy,
What a horrible way to start the summer.

Put on your hoodie,
Don’t let your reputation get destroyed by the paparazzi,
They say the one who did this was a Spotted-tail Salamander,
Yet why does he get to be on the front cover looking all glossy,
That should be you Tiger Salamander,
As you stare at the magazine with your half empty cup of coffee.

There is always another option,
They say revenge is a dish best served cold,
The police are too busy to do anything about it,
There are some things worth more than gold,
Having a normal life with a happy family is one,
Spotted-tail Salamander the bell has tolled.

Bad Animal Poetry: Frustrated Frogs

On July 18, 2019September 10, 2020 By samuelgospoIn Bad Animal PoetryLeave a comment

If there is ever an amphibian who either looks grumpy or feels incredibly neutral about what it is doing — then it’s the frog. Some days it eats flies and sits in one spot waiting for the next one. Other days it eats more flies and slightly moves to the right. A frog carries one expression, but it does so with much assertion. Kind of like these one that I’m about to present in a typical uneducated fashion.

Red-eyed Treefrog (Agalychnis callidryas)

Time to sip this tea,
No you cannot have a sip of my tea Red-Eyed Tree Frog,
You should have asked the barista for yours,
Otherwise go back to the bog,
Did you eat all of your biscotti cookies too,
If you keep this up I’m going to feed you to the Nidhogg.

Know where you’re at,
This is a widely owned cafe,
No amount of gentrification can fix this,
Like that one time at the vegan hot dog stand in the alleyway
That stand was clearly not ready for its business to boom,
So quit acting all blase.

You want to save the trees,
Yet all you do is eat cheap meals,
Better shape up because the price won’t stay the same,
That paycheck is gonna make your eyes spin like pinwheels,
The economy will not bend to your will,
But go ahead and keep cutting out those coupon deals.

African Bullfrog (Pyxicephalus adspersus)

You have no teeth,
Yet you have a strong bite,
The best bouncer we have is you African Bullfrog,
You make them all afraid to fight,
Whether it be in the rain or fog,
Truly you are a frightful sight.

One day you will afford to move your family,
Just have to deal with a few more drunks,
Then everyone will pay respect,
Otherwise you will have to bite out chunks,
They seem to think you are easily passable,
What punks.

Your raincoat is moist,
But your spirit is dry,
Why is it that you never want to move,
Is your purpose just to make them cry,
One day you will shed your own tear,
Knowing that your boss is a fly.

Ghost Frog (Heleophrynidae)

Heleophryne orientalis.jpg — _{By Serban Proches – http://calphotos.berkeley.edu, CC BY-SA 2.5, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=6696119}

What is that noise I hear,
This house shouldn’t be haunted,
It was only built on top of a frog burial ground,
I knew something was fishy when the sign said wanted,
Something is croaking,
I feel assaulted.

I must purify this holy house,
Each cross shall be embedded on a banjo,
Every television screen will have the Budweiser frogs on repeat,
Lillipads shall be featured in every photo,
This shall ward you off Ghost Frog,
Begone from this ethereal grotto.

What is this,
You are much stronger than I thought,
The croaking refuses to stop,
Oh what have thou wrought,
Ghost Frog is multiplying,
The age of the frog has arrived with such fraught.

Bad Animal Poetry: Big Lizards

On June 1, 2019September 9, 2020 By samuelgospoIn Bad Animal Poetry, UncategorizedLeave a comment

On this week’s Bad Animal Poetry I will be showcasing several lizards who look like they might have radioactive breath of a different sort. Since I am a big ‘Godzilla’ fan and his titular movie, ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters‘, is already out I thought I would write something to coincide with its release. Although I’m hoping none of these lizards accidentally stumble into a canister of radioactive waste.

Marine Iguana (Amblyrhynchus cristatus)

So my car keys are lost,
They are at the bottom of the ocean,
How did this happen Sea Iguana,
I trusted you on this notion,
We were ready for the concert,
Everything was set in motion.

Is that red algae I see on your lips,
Are you on the seaweed,
This is a serious problem,
I thought you were having a nose bleed,
The show is about to start in an hour,
This is quite a kerfuffle indeed.

Okay this time I drive,
Sea Iguana you must obey,
Put on your seat belt this time,
Ignore what is beyond the bay,
The sea is a dangerous life to live,
Why are you sipping on my nasal spray.

Komodo Dragon (Varanus komodoensis)

You are the coolest,
Komodo Dragon why are you so bad,
Is it because of your awesome tats,
You make the concept of cool a fad,
With those wicked sunglasses,
Clearly you are such a Chad.

There is a treasure trove in your stomach,
I wish to see it one day,
Maybe I’ll see discarded bones,
Or perhaps a workbench that says ‘SLAY,’
Your organs are your home,
Yet you remain a stray.

A bad lizard with no rules to follow,
On your own with a shiny motorcyle,
That I am sure also came from your innards,
Fighting some chump named Carmichael,
The baddest there is,
Yet it is so sweet that you still recycle.

Nile Crocodile (Crocodylus niloticus)

An image to behold,
Nile Crocodile sunbathing,
Getting that pre-summer tan,
People can be scathing,
Discriminating body types,
The only thing they are good at is hating.

Yet here is Nile Crocodile doing her thing,
Not letting the negativity settle in,
She worked hard for her vacation,
No one can remove that grin,
Her confidence is unshakable,
I dare anyone to get under her skin.

She may not snap now,
There will be a time when she will,
I assure no mercy when it happens,
She finds their regretful words a thrill,
That may be problematic to the victims,
Just another cozy vacation in Brazil.

Bad Animal Poetry: Tailed Primates

On May 19, 2019September 7, 2020 By samuelgospoIn Bad Animal PoetryLeave a comment

I always assumed that there were some animals that had it rougher than others when it comes to their sleeping cycles. But then there are some who just love hopping around during the day while listening to their favorite Imagine Dragons songs. Living their lives like they’re the ones who can cut in line with their headphones. While I’m on lunch break and this guy thinks he can cut in just for a soy latte. Pft, anyway here are this week’s guilty line cutters.

Slow Loris (Nycticebus)

Why are your fingers orange Slow Loris,
Is that Cheeto dust I see on your finger,
You stay in all night playing Madden,
Where were you for dinner,
Your plate was getting cold,
No wonder you never update your Tinder.

Why doth your eyes linger on berries for an hour,
Is it because it is not inside a giant orange bag,
Our neighbors say you need a shower,
Too much time spent with the trees,
Or too much time spent in your Cheeto tower,
We worry about you Slow Loris.

Although maybe we are overthinking this,
Your GPA is through the roof,
Your eyes hold the truth,
Your existence makes our worries go poof,
We want what makes you feel happy,
Now let Mama Loris tend to her woof.

Ring-tailed Lemur (Lemur catta)

Please give me back my Funyuns,
There are more uses to a tail than stealing my snack,
Why do you taunt me Ring-tailed Lemur,
I clearly won that game of blackjack,
Yes I should know better,
Than to play with an animal who can stack.

Your petty gambling life is wrapped around that tail,
That behavior is fed to your offspring,
Just like the Funyuns you stole from me,
You think you are king,
But clearly I have an advantage here,
Just like the wind in spring.

I know I am stuck on this peninsula,
With no way of getting out,
My revenge is everlasting,
I will have my final bout,
So I leave this letter to my daughter,
Knowing I went out with clout.

Aye-aye (Daubentonia madagascariensis)

Tell me how you feel Aye-aye,
Always reaching out with your claw,
How has the manuscript been going,
I know the premise has left me in awe,
Hopefully you haven’t had writers block,
Yes you can also eat your coleslaw.

What do you mean you only written five pages,
It has been a week Aye-aye,
I know it’s hard writing with long fingers,
But this discussion has left me with a sigh,
You must have at least something,
Otherwise why lie.

We cannot go through with this publishing deal,
Until you start putting in the work,
Yes I know your fingers are long,
But think of this meeting as a perk,
I know you can do better than five pages,
Please don’t look at your fingers with a smirk.

Bad Animal Poetry: Tall Birds Edition

On May 15, 2019September 8, 2020 By samuelgospoIn Bad Animal Poetry, Bad Animal Poetry PostsLeave a comment

Hello and welcome to my first installment of Bad Animal Poetry. This week I will be talking about tall birds who love running, flaunting their feathers, or doing both at the same time. I suppose that’s what one does when you have tall legs or just love shouting nonstop at other birds. Anyway I’m not here to judge — please enjoy this first installment that I’m sure won’t derail into any silly details. None at all.

Ostrich (Struthio camelus)

Ostrich does your neck tire,
Is there exhaustive weight on your feather,
How the world turns upside down is crazy,
It’s amazing you have an invisible tether,
Having two different perspectives,
Yet you have no time for your wife Heather.

She misses you dearly Ostrich,
Your legs tell you to run,
But does your birdy heart say otherwise,
Responsibilities in the savanna are little to none,
The lust for a birdy youth,
Please do not leave your hon.

She knows your 9 to 5 shift is tiring,
Yet you watch the Discovery Channel,
Reminiscing about the good ol days,
Does it feel good to remember you wore flannel,
Look at what is right in front of you Ostrich,
Or else your legs become annul.

Emu (Dromaius novaehollandiae)

Who dare strut with such a feathery weave,
The Emu is who,
Almost every feather feels like plush,
Emu could have flew,
Instead it had to live that Gucci life,
With that diamond velcro on its shoe.

For something so flightless,
It did very little to try,
Being weighed down by all that bling,
Waving its greed as Emu said bye,
Only bird god could judge Emu,
Though Emu knew even that was a lie.

Is vanity worth the lack of flight,
This is a question that Emu must ask,
When a flightless bird is first on the VIP list,
What about Condor with the empty flask,
Ask yourself that when you’re at the club,
As you hide behind your cowardly mask.

Cassowary (Casuarius casuarius)

How dare you Cassowary,
Oh how does one make me so angry,
One of the closest relatives to dinosaurs,
Yet you come off as so cranky,
Your actions make me sick,
As I angrily binge food from the pantry.

What is that on your head,
Is that lump considered your pride,
How entitled your evolution must be,
To have a door knob head and be so snide,
Is there candy inside that crest,
Cassowary what is there to hide.

Your violent karate is terrifying,
As you perform your helm splitter,
I must ask is your lust for power infinite,
This rivalry is only making us bitter,
Be wary of social media Cassowary,
And stay off Twitter.

Lounging Lizard

Category: Bad Animal Poetry