Bad Animal Poetry: Sad Salamanders

Some can relate to an animal who resembles an athlete after being accused of taking performance enhancing drugs. Sweating nonstop and either looking too calm or on the verge of darting out of a room. However inside each Salamander is melancholia, the true relatable link to humanity. Listen, you (way more enlightened reader) possibly know more than I do about these moist-ies. Also maybe I should have come up with a less irksome name for a group of Salamanders, anyhow enjoy!

Spotted-tail Salamander (Eurycea lucifuga)

By Marshal Hedin from San Diego – Eurycea lucifuga (Cave Salamander)Uploaded by Jacopo Werther, CC BY 2.0,

Identity theft is wrong Spotted-tail Salamander,
I know a liar when I see one,
All of your credentials are fake,
Your impersonating days are done,
The police will find a hot trail eventually,
So go ahead and run.

Your closet of fake wigs keep growing,
Yet you keep your mustache,
Is it the one authentic part of your identity,
Or is it bought with your crime infested cash,
Seems easy to live alone in a dark apartment,
Especially when you hide all your evidence in trash.

Was it right to steal that salamanders identity,
What was wrong being just a Spotted-tail Salamander,
A life that started too boring became too exciting,
Your name is ridden with slander,
That legacy forever tied to your crimes,
Instead you could have been a bystander.

Green Salamander (Aneides aeneus)

Green salamanader from Breaks Interstate park.jpg
By Brian Gratwicke – originally posted to Flickr as IMG_1513Green salamanader from Breaks Interstate park, CC BY 2.0,

No I will not hear your weed joke,
Green Salamander I have had it up to here,
How many times am I going to tell you this,
Is there weed in your ear,
Perhaps that explains why you don’t hear me,
Your jokes make me want to grab a beer.

Are you going to start making alcohol jokes now,
What have I done to deserve this mess,
You’re like a salamander Seth Rogen,
I’m basically living in Pineapple Express,
Except without the laugh or talent,
I am under such stress.

Do you smoke to forget the war,
It has been twenty years since,
I will smoke this cigar with you just once,
Then go to the sink and rinse,
Remind yourself of the medals you earned,
But not of the assassination of that foreign prince.

Tiger Salamander (Ambystoma tigrinum)

By Glenn Bartolotti – Own work, CC BY-SA 4.0,

Why did they steal your identity Tiger Salamander,
They say the one who did this was a brother,
What has happened to the salamander community,
Why must all suffer,
To favor the one who shall capitalize on this tragedy,
What a horrible way to start the summer.

Put on your hoodie,
Don’t let your reputation get destroyed by the paparazzi,
They say the one who did this was a Spotted-tail Salamander,
Yet why does he get to be on the front cover looking all glossy,
That should be you Tiger Salamander,
As you stare at the magazine with your half empty cup of coffee.

There is always another option,
They say revenge is a dish best served cold,
The police are too busy to do anything about it,
There are some things worth more than gold,
Having a normal life with a happy family is one,
Spotted-tail Salamander the bell has tolled.

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