If there is ever an amphibian who either looks grumpy or feels incredibly neutral about what it is doing — then it’s the frog. Some days it eats flies and sits in one spot waiting for the next one. Other days it eats more flies and slightly moves to the right. A frog carries one expression, but it does so with much assertion. Kind of like these one that I’m about to present in a typical uneducated fashion.
Red-eyed Treefrog (Agalychnis callidryas)
Time to sip this tea,
No you cannot have a sip of my tea Red-Eyed Tree Frog,
You should have asked the barista for yours,
Otherwise go back to the bog,
Did you eat all of your biscotti cookies too,
If you keep this up I’m going to feed you to the Nidhogg.
Know where you’re at,
This is a widely owned cafe,
No amount of gentrification can fix this,
Like that one time at the vegan hot dog stand in the alleyway
That stand was clearly not ready for its business to boom,
So quit acting all blase.
You want to save the trees,
Yet all you do is eat cheap meals,
Better shape up because the price won’t stay the same,
That paycheck is gonna make your eyes spin like pinwheels,
The economy will not bend to your will,
But go ahead and keep cutting out those coupon deals.
African Bullfrog (Pyxicephalus adspersus)
You have no teeth,
Yet you have a strong bite,
The best bouncer we have is you African Bullfrog,
You make them all afraid to fight,
Whether it be in the rain or fog,
Truly you are a frightful sight.
One day you will afford to move your family,
Just have to deal with a few more drunks,
Then everyone will pay respect,
Otherwise you will have to bite out chunks,
They seem to think you are easily passable,
Your raincoat is moist,
But your spirit is dry,
Why is it that you never want to move,
Is your purpose just to make them cry,
One day you will shed your own tear,
Knowing that your boss is a fly.
Ghost Frog (Heleophrynidae)
What is that noise I hear,
This house shouldn’t be haunted,
It was only built on top of a frog burial ground,
I knew something was fishy when the sign said wanted,
Something is croaking,
I feel assaulted.
I must purify this holy house,
Each cross shall be embedded on a banjo,
Every television screen will have the Budweiser frogs on repeat,
Lillipads shall be featured in every photo,
This shall ward you off Ghost Frog,
Begone from this ethereal grotto.
What is this,
You are much stronger than I thought,
The croaking refuses to stop,
Oh what have thou wrought,
Ghost Frog is multiplying,
The age of the frog has arrived with such fraught.