Hello and welcome to my first installment of Bad Animal Poetry. This week I will be talking about tall birds who love running, flaunting their feathers, or doing both at the same time. I suppose that’s what one does when you have tall legs or just love shouting nonstop at other birds. Anyway I’m not here to judge — please enjoy this first installment that I’m sure won’t derail into any silly details. None at all.
Ostrich (Struthio camelus)
Ostrich does your neck tire,
Is there exhaustive weight on your feather,
How the world turns upside down is crazy,
It’s amazing you have an invisible tether,
Having two different perspectives,
Yet you have no time for your wife Heather.
She misses you dearly Ostrich,
Your legs tell you to run,
But does your birdy heart say otherwise,
Responsibilities in the savanna are little to none,
The lust for a birdy youth,
Please do not leave your hon.
She knows your 9 to 5 shift is tiring,
Yet you watch the Discovery Channel,
Reminiscing about the good ol days,
Does it feel good to remember you wore flannel,
Look at what is right in front of you Ostrich,
Or else your legs become annul.
Emu (Dromaius novaehollandiae)
Who dare strut with such a feathery weave,
The Emu is who,
Almost every feather feels like plush,
Emu could have flew,
Instead it had to live that Gucci life,
With that diamond velcro on its shoe.
For something so flightless,
It did very little to try,
Being weighed down by all that bling,
Waving its greed as Emu said bye,
Only bird god could judge Emu,
Though Emu knew even that was a lie.
Is vanity worth the lack of flight,
This is a question that Emu must ask,
When a flightless bird is first on the VIP list,
What about Condor with the empty flask,
Ask yourself that when you’re at the club,
As you hide behind your cowardly mask.
Cassowary (Casuarius casuarius)
How dare you Cassowary,
Oh how does one make me so angry,
One of the closest relatives to dinosaurs,
Yet you come off as so cranky,
Your actions make me sick,
As I angrily binge food from the pantry.
What is that on your head,
Is that lump considered your pride,
How entitled your evolution must be,
To have a door knob head and be so snide,
Is there candy inside that crest,
Cassowary what is there to hide.
Your violent karate is terrifying,
As you perform your helm splitter,
I must ask is your lust for power infinite,
This rivalry is only making us bitter,
Be wary of social media Cassowary,
And stay off Twitter.
Lounging Lizard 