Uh, A Batman: Arkham Origins Review?

Arkham Origins

Fellow Brutlounge-ians, all two of you, I kind of have a problem here. About a week or two ago I got my copy of Arkham Origins. I wasn’t exactly ecstatic about it, but hey it was another installment in the Arkham franchise so at least I was going to have a decent time. Problem was the game stopped working after the two-hour point, and thus I was stuck with a loading screen that soon said afterward ‘downloadable content missing’. Even though I didn’t download a damn thing for this game. I didn’t get the Deathstroke DLC, the exclusive map pack DLC, not even the Batmite Whorehouse DLC!

The result of this was that I was left with a broken game and a broken heart. Since Warner Bros. Interactive apparently doesn’t want me to finish this game and review it, I guess it’s up to me to assume what happened after the game crashed. That’s right, I’m going to not only finish this review, but I’m also going to finish the story! This isn’t amateur over here, when I intend to finish something – I intend to fucking finish it!

Alright, Batman: Arkham Origins! Here we goddamn go!

The game starts with a young Bruce Wayne, Batman, fresh off the ninja school! He arrives at Blackgate Prison after receiving word that something sinister was afoot. Once there, ‘The Batman’ finds the culprit behind all this mayhem and terror…Black Mask. Batman tries to catch up to Black Mask, but is suddenly caught off guard by Killer Croc and easily defeats him. After managing to retrieve a robot computer chip thingamajig, Batman now knows Black Mask’s true scheme which is to gather the worlds deadliest assassins and put a bounty on the Bat’s head!

After a comforting break in the bat cave and a nice chat with Alfred, Batman is back on the case and searches for the Penguin! Once he finds the monocled fiend, he then kindly asks him, “Hey man, what’s up with all this assassins stuff? And who the hell is Shiva?” The conversation leads him nowhere, and Batman winds up punching the Penguin into a Slurpee machine where he shall discover the true meaning of the term ‘brain freeze’.

Bruce hears chatter on his communications device, panic was spreading across Gotham city! Through sheer means of luck he tracks down Deathstroke who was buying a hot dog at a very popular hot dog stand. Batman wanted a hot dog too, but he couldn’t because Deathstroke was in the way! So he sneaks up behind him and throws him to the ground. Batman starts yelling, “Where did you get the ketchup and mustard packets?!”

Deathstroke then laughs in an evil manner, and Batman knocks him out. He buys a hotdog at the stand and saves a buck or too by bringing a coupon, “I didn’t even know I had one!” He says with his gruff voice.

Realizing he was just left with a regular hot dog and was freezing out in the snow, because apparently it’s Christmas Eve every goddamn day in Gotham, he tries to find the condiments for his hotdog. He searches at the local Gotham Burger joint just down the street, and asks for ketchup packets. The cashier says to him, “Sorry, but you’re going to have to order something if you want condiment packages.”

Batman replied, “What the hell kind of restaurant makes Batman have to pay to get ketchup packets?! Fine, I’ll order the ‘Damien Wayne Chest-Impaler Burger’ along with some ‘Leg-Snapping Barbara Gordon Fries’.” After a ten minute wait, Batman finally gets his food only to realize that…there was no salt on his fries. He goes back for a refund, only to realize that it was Copperhead who gave him the salt-less fries and was the cashier the entire time! Batman does the first thing any humane person would do in this situation and reaches for the register to get his money back, but oh no he got his hand caught in the cash drawer!

Copperhead says, “I hope you like my permanent-glue trap Batman!”

Batman rips the cash register from the counter and bashes the register into Copperhead. Throwing her into the fryer. Batman then turns around and then sees Firefly dressed as one of the cooks. “Ready to order Batman?” Said Firefly.

“No thanks Firefly, I’m more into ‘not-evil’ cuisine myself.” Firefly lights up his spatula and starts wailing at Batman with it. He misses each time and destroys more of the kitchen, to a point where he sees nothing but smoke. Suddenly a cape wraps around him and he gets tossed into the water fountain. Batman rings the bell near the counter and menacingly says, “Order up.” With a slight chuckle, Batman grabs a handful of ketchup and mustard packets from the kitchen and escapes through the back door.

Out of nowhere a group of masked men kidnap Batman. An hour later he wakes up in the middle of a shady warehouse, strapped to a chair, being interrogated by none other than Bane himself. Bane sits down in a chair and asks Batman, “Dude, did you really have to throw Copperhead into a fryer?”

“Well, she was kind of doing evil things.”

“But dude, the fryer? Why not just use your knockout gas or your bat-taser?”

“I didn’t have knockout gas or did I even invent the bat-taser…not yet anyway.” Batman and Bane kept going back and forth about how inconsiderate Batman’s actions were. Off on the side Batman noticed that his hotdog was about to get eaten by one of the goons, so he rips the rope off and tosses the chair at Bane. He sprints toward the goon and smacks him down, retrieving his tasty hotdog in the process.

Bane yells, “Get him and his hotdog!”

Batman yells back at Bane while eating his hotdog, “This is my hotdog!” Gun shots start pouring across the warehouse, through the crates. and not a peep was heard afterward. That was until Batman took down every henchman including Bane who he was holding by the neck.

“Hey man, It would be a real bummer if you punched me.” Said Bane.

“I’m gonna have to punch you pal.”

“Don’t do it! Don’t you punch me!” Batman punches Bane and knocks him. Crawling across the floor, Batman noticed a breathing henchman and had to do two things: interrogate him for information and then break his legs.

He walks toward the henchman and asks him, “Hey, so where’s Black Mask at?”

The henchman says, “He’s at the Gotham fair! Please don’t hurt me!”

“Oh I won’t hurt you, I’ll make you do something worse.”

“What?” The henchman gets sent back to Wayne manor to do Bruce’s laundry, while Batman heads to the Gotham City Fair.

Batman became fascinated with the fair and all its neat things. Cotton candy, games, and not-dead parents! It was a wonderland, until Batman saw Deadshot near the hunting range game. The host shouted, “Step right up and play our quail hunting game, you’ll love it just as much as I love wearing pinstripe suits!”

Batman was excited to face off against Deadshot, “So are you ready to play or what ‘Bad….-shot’?”

“Wow, did you really just say that?” The slightly offended Deadshot took the first shot, but Batman easily kept hitting quail after qauil. Finally, Batman won the game and Deadshot started to cry all over the ground.

The game host says to Batman, “Congratulations! You win an exclusive passage to Black Masks secret hideout.”

Batman says, “Sweet.” And goes underground to the Black Masks secret hideout. After going through several dark passages, he winds up at the Black Masks lair which is filled with gold bricks and hookers.

“Hello Batman.” Said Black Mask.

“What’s up.” Said Batman.

“I hear you managed to take out all of my assassins. Quite impressive.”

“I thought I was supposed to fight Shiva at some point?”

“No one cares about Shiva! Gawd, why do you make this difficult?”

“Well I’m not the one who hired obscured assassins, speaking of obscurity how’s it feel being the main villain in a game in which you’re actually a threat?”

“Screw you Bats!” Black Masks starts shooting at Batman with his pistol, but easily gets overtaken by him. “Hehe, you think I’m a threat? Wait till you get a load of Deathstroke!”

“Deathstroke is out dude.”

“Well shit! There goes my plans…uh…how was your day?” The game then cuts to credits and no more further questions were asked. None. As for gameplay, nothing has changed and nothing has been improved.

And there you go, that’s my Batman: Arkham Origins review as told by someone who clearly stopped caring once the game stopped caring as well.

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